Cop: So what was your name again?
Ven: Ventrovius
Cop: Ok… How do you spell that?
Ven: J-O-H-N
Cop: Very funny. What’s your last name, Ventrovius?
Ven: That is my last name. It’s my only name.
Cop: Right. What’s the name on your license? Your birth certificate?
Ven: I don’t have either.
Cop: Ok… Let’s just skip the formalities for now… Can you tell me what you were doing in a cave in the middle of Mr. Beshida’s ranch?
Ven: Sleeping.
Cop: So you’re homeless, or what?
Ven: At the moment I suppose you could say that I’m homeless. I doubt very much that my last home is still standing.
Cop: Why wouldn’t it be?
Ven: It’s been a rather long time without being cared for.
Cop: Why leave it?
Ven: I no longer felt at home there. I wasn’t welcome.
Cop: Why not?
Ven: I’m a somewhat unsavory sort, and that annoys most folk.
Cop: You’re a criminal? Is that why you aren’t giving me your real name?
Ven: I am giving you my real name. I have no reason not to. But no, you will not find me in any of your records.
Cop: So you’re a criminal.
Ven: Not one of yours.
Cop: Then whose? Where are you from, Ventro… Ventruv… Ventrov…
Ven: Call me “Ven” if you’d like, officer.
Cop: Ven… where are you from?
Ven: Originally a small village that no longer exists.
Cop: Village? You’re from some third world country?
Ven: Not as you know it, no.
Cop: Ok… let’s try something different… How did you get into Mr. Beshida’s cave?
Ven: I was put there… Imprisoned…
Cop: Who put you there?
Ven: An angry mob that disapproved of my… methods.
Cop: Methods of doing what?
Ven: Everything really. Most notably how I was influencing their princess, however.
Cop: Princess?
Ven: Yes. Princess Evanam, third daughter of King Cardoren of Beshida.
Cop: Mr. Beshida’s relation?
Ven: Doubtful. This occurred several thousand years ago, before the last fall of man.
Cop: Right…
Ven: It’s likely that the name carried down in some form, however. Possibly a descendant of the warriors assigned to guard my tomb.
Cop: Right… your tomb…
Ven: Obviously I’m not dead, though, so tomb isn’t really an appropriate term.
Cop: Let’s move on, shall we? What do you do for a living, Ven? You seem to be an intelligent sort. Been to school? Have a career?
Ven: I’m a necromancer. I’ve held various positions on the side… Advisor, Tutor, Exorcist… but mostly I’m a necromancer. I learned my trade from many others that came before me.
Cop: Is this some kind of cult?
Ven: Hahaha… no, officer, I’m afraid not. Cults are for frightened and easily influenced people looking for an easy way to solve their petty little problems.
Cop: Indeed… Tell me again how you ended up in Mr. Beshida’s cave, Ven.
Ven: The people of Beshida grew fearful of the influence I had over their young princess. They didn’t see learning necromancy as a suitably… princesslike… endeavor. I was declared a scourge upon the land, and the king had me condemned. They decided to bury me alive in that cave.
Cop: …
Ven: If you would like to know specifically how I got there… I was escorted with a full detachment of the kingdom’s best warriors, a score of priests of the White God, and even more old women spitting curses. I was brought through the town, to the cave, which was at that time an opening in a gentle hillside. I was left to walk in on my own, and the entrance was caved in and sealed by divine magics.
Cop: I see… you know, I’ll play along… How did you survive the time you were sealed in the cave?
Ven: Sleeping, obviously. While I am unaging, I do need to eat and drink and breathe, just like any living being. But I am also the most gifted necromancer that has ever lived, and I have power over life and death. I placed myself into a deep sleep, intending to let centuries pass while I slept… and hopefully I wouldn’t dream…
Cop: Ok, so you were in a sort of… coma, or something… and then the alarm clock went off and you woke up yesterday afternoon?
Ven: I was awakened once before that, during the destruction of mankind’s last age. I decided to go back to sleep.
Cop: Understandable… So then you next woke up yesterday.
Ven: Yes.
Cop: And you decided that you wanted breakfast, and butchered one of Mr. Beshida’s chickens?
Ven: I was very hungry.
Cop: Obviously. You’d been asleep a few thousand years, right?
Ven: I haven’t figured out exactly how long, but it was at least that, yes.
Cop: So you woke up, killed a chicken, and ate it raw?
Ven: Not one of my most appealing moments, but I was VERY hungry. I do much prefer my food cooked, I assure you, but I needed the blood. Blood is life, and I had drained my powers considerably keeping myself alive.
Cop: I see. Because you’re a necromancer.
Ven: Well, yes. I wouldn’t be able to do so if I weren’t, now would I?
Cop: I suppose not… So, you eat a chicken-
Ven: Actually I just drank the blood, I didn’t eat the flesh.
Cop: Right… So, you drink the blood of a chicken, and then you break into Mr. Beshida’s house.
Ven: My clothes were somewhat tattered, and I wanted something to eat that wasn’t raw chicken.
Cop: As would any decent necromancer.
Ven: Well, any civilized necromancer.
Cop: Tell me, Ven, what are you doing here?
Ven: I haven’t decided yet.
Cop: So you came to town and, for lack of anything better to do, broke into Mr. Beshida’s ranch and drank the blood of one of his chickens.
Ven: I woke up there, officer. I didn’t exactly choose who lived above my tomb when I woke up.
Cop: Have you ever been in a mental institution, Ven? Some kind of hospital?
Ven: You think I’m insane.
Cop: I think that you are confused, or lying.
Ven: Let me show you something, officer…
Cop: What are you going to do? Raise my dead grandmother from the grave? Haha!
Ven: Not quite.
Cop: What is that?
Ven: Your death, officer.
Cop: What in the hell are you talking about? What IS that?
Ven: That… is how you are going to die. It’s a simple spell really.
Cop: How did you do that?
Ven: I told you… I’m the most gifted necromancer that has ever lived. I have power over life and death. Yours is but a small thing…